Manners as an Edge
The selfish case for being a good reply guy
One of Twitter's greatest strengths1— inviting anyone with WiFi and a smartphone into the conversation — also creates the most misunderstanding.
The app is essentially a confederacy of domains: FinTwit, FilmTwit, Architecture Twitter (ArchiTwit?), etc. It allows people with specific interests to access everyone else in the world who shares that interest. Over time, friendships and shared shorthand language develop, deepening the bonds between mutuals, which often start with their shared interest but then develop well beyond.
The problems can start when someone from outside that group barges into conversations they don't realize they weren't invited to. If I, as a non-member of Architecture Twitter, barge into an ongoing discussion of how to make architecture more pleasing to humans and assert my uninformed opinion that "all modern architecture MUST do X to be good," I've derailed a potentially useful conversation that depends on a shared passion for architecture.
In short, I've become a ‘reply guy.’
There's a reason for the popularity of the phrase "all it takes is one rotten apple to spoil the whole barrel."
It's true.
It only takes one bad person, thing, element, or input to ruin the entire group, situation, project, etc.
And since we don't live in a Willy Wonka universe, there's no simple way to remove me and my uninformed architectural opinions from the conversation.
Yes, the members of that group can block me or mute me, but my original intrusion certainly fucks up the vibe and injects unwanted noise and dissonance into the conversation (Ricky Gervais nails it with this bit about one of the obvious problems with the platform — anyone, literally ANYONE, can participate, even if they lack ANY understanding of the subject.)
It's a feature, not a bug, of HumanOS to take things personally while simultaneously conflating our opinions and beliefs as facts that are axiomatically true. Once our emotions come into play, that ignites our feeling that we MUST correct these OBVIOUSLY wrong people to restore order to our particular reality tunnel without even grasping the fact that, in many of these specific conversations, it is WE who are ill-informed and wrong. We are ignorant of our ignorance and thus continue to disrupt an otherwise potentially useful conversation.
Since reprogramming HumanOS is a daunting task, we remain, to paraphrase Kipling, islands of different beliefs shouting at each other over seas of misunderstanding.
Is there a solution? Maybe. If we could restore even basic good manners to the ecosystem, it might dramatically ameliorate Twitter's ‘reply guy’ problem.
As the Axe on good manners, Emily Post asserted:
"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."
Many will say there's no way to REQUIRE good manners on a universally available platform like Twitter.
They are right.
As one who abhors being told what I MUST do and bristles whenever instructed by a tongue-clucking busybody about following "ze rules" (which are often simply the busybody's idea of how others should behave more like them), let me offer an alternate suggestion that underlies why free markets work so well and appeals to your naked self-interest:
In an era of rude and brutish behavior, having good manners provides you with an asymmetric advantage over those who don't.
Clarence Thomas asserted that "good manners will open doors that the best education cannot." I think that's right, and, as my mother said while beating good manners into me as a kid, "You catch a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar." If you modify your behavior to include just basic good manners — respect for the views of others, practicing basic kindness, and the ability to refrain from caustically trying to set other people ‘straight’ — you'll find that your path in life becomes much easier and potentially more fruitful.
As a very lazy person, I've discovered this is often an effortless way to open others to you and your ideas. It also helps you in your own life to open doors that would otherwise be closed. It may be the difference that gets you included in that discussion that ultimately leads to a successful new venture or discovery, a discussion from which you would have been excluded if you loutishly banged around and kept asserting that everyone else is wrong while you—only you—are right.
Lillian Gish got it right when she said, "You can get through life with bad manners, but it's easier with good manners." Sometimes, simple and small changes in behavior can have a HUGE impact on the opportunities available to you. What's more, good manners will make your own life much more enjoyable and potentially vastly more successful.
Meanwhile, I shall attempt to follow my own advice and refrain from responding to all of the people who come to tell me why I'm wrong (which, to be fair, I often am).
I'll probably fail...
This is an edited version of a thread I posted on Twitter/X in December 2022. Thanks to Paul Millerd for the tweet that originally got me thinking about this!
Yes, I still call it Twitter…
I come from a socially dysfunctional family. It took me years to figure out that people sometimes don't want someone to barge in. I find this content very helpful.
Buddha said it is not enough to speak truthfully, it needs to be done at a time it leads to positive outcome.
Thanks Jim. Once again you offer a breath of fresh air in a stuffy room!